february is *not* for finishing...

Well knitting this month has been a somewhat spectacular flop.

Super adorable cat being super adorable next to barely touched knitting.  Yes, she tucks her nose under her leg when she sleeps sometimes.  And yes, she has an exclamation point on her forehead.

It's been a rough month all the way 'round, actually.  Most nights and weekends I've found myself sitting on my couch or the floor in my living room, next to my knitting and fighting with myself about whether or not to pick it up.  Other (usually winning, options) have involved pixel flowers and click-click-boom games (or logic puzzles) on my phone while listening to an insane amount of true crime podcasts.

Well, mostly true crime.  Also Lovecraft, because I finally found a podcast with engaging, insightful hosts that summarize and analyze the complete works of HP Lovecraft which means that I can immerse myself in the mythos and phenomenon without actually having to read it.  Normally, I'm not an advocate of this method, but dude. I don't actually like his writing *style* in large doses and am more interested in the socio-cultural phenomenon, so.

The H.P. Lovecraft Literary Podcast

You're welcome.  (They're also on all the podcasting platforms.  My personal favorite is PocketCast.)

I'm also mainlining the relatively new Cults of Our Lives podcast hosted by the lovely Halle George and Stasie Sereda.  It's brilliant and funny as hell and I love it.  I found it on Monday and have about 3 or 4 eps left to go.

I really need to do a podcast round-up post again one of these days.

Right now I'm climbing the walls.  I still don't feel like I have my year game plan in place yet.   I'm still struggling with project management and follow through.  I'm still struggling with using my planner as completely and regularly as I'd like.

The struggle is real...

Sunday night in my living room.

Struggle seems to be the watch word there.

Mostly I find I'm struggling with *myself* - there's a sh-t-ton of resistance going on in my brain that I haven't found a way around yet, mostly because I haven't pinned down where it's actually coming from.

It's trying to be spring outside and I'm torn between being like "THANK G_D YES PLEASE I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE" and "... ... ... ... ...".

Also, ACHOOOOOO!

(Let the sneezing begin.)

The100DayProject: Day Six (I Do What I Want, Thor!)

I like to make my own rules.  While I have no desire to break local or federal laws that might land me in jail, when it comes to arbitrary "rules" I have a weird back-and-forth relationship with them that involves both a deep desire to do things by the book, and a complete inability to actually follow them.

This might be related to my tendency to plan and imagine things in the ideal, versus the realistic.  Maybe.

Case the first: #the100dayproject.  If you're playing along at home, you're probably on day 20.  I inadvertently missed some days took a vacation, so instead a. trying to play catch-up or b. just skipping ahead, I'm picking up right where I left off.

So there.

Case the second: when it comes to reading tarot or oracle cards, I don't like using "outcome" positions.  I believe in too much of a multiplicity of possibilities (difficult but fun to say) to want to hear what the likely result of a pursuit or period of time is going to be.  I also believe in self-fulfilling prophecy, and live with an anxiety disorder, so it's better all 'round for me to leave them be.

Anytime I see "outcome" in a spread that I want to try, I'll usually change the position to "things to remember" or "key focus" or something else from that oeuvre.  Beth over at littleredtarot (a fantastic site that my Dreaming Way Tarot cards seem particularly in sync with) has a post about this very same thing that helped me come to terms with my approach.  I may have an unavoidable instinct to break the rules, but I have a deep-seated desire to have those little rebellions validated.)

Case the third: Miracle Mornings.  This is getting a lot of buzz around the internet (for good reason), but true to form I struggled with the format as it was presented.  Make time for deliberate actions and practice in the morning? Yes, please.  Follow exactly his interpretation of what that should entail? Eh... not so much.

What I did do: I talked to my supervisor at work, and got my scheduled shifted to a later start.  Instead of having to be at work and on the phones by 8:15 am, now I report by 9:30.  It does mean I'm here until 6pm, which if you'd asked me a few months ago I would've said I hated, but I realized that I was looking at what ideal, younger, night-owl me would've liked, not what would work for me now.  The key is this - I used to get my best work done later at night.  I'd stay up late, skimp on sleep, and still manage to push through the working day.

I can't do that anymore.  I became a morning lark at some point, and I need my desk and a sunny window (along with a big mug of tea and coffee) to really get shit done.  I was resenting the hell out of only getting around to the things that were important to me once I was physically tired, emotionally worn down, and mentally drained.  Now, I can do my stuff in the mornings, go to work, then come home and unwind, and really look forward to getting up the next day.

The view from my desk of a morning. :)

I've got some ideas of how I'm going to adapt some of the other elements of the Miracle Morning for my own purposes, but I'll get to those later, because this is already super long and rambly, and we've 94 days to go.  ;)

The100DayProject: Day Two!

This morning I laid out the same spread I used yesterday (yes, I shuffled, and since I still used the "stir the cards in a big face-down pile and then grab some with your eyes closed" method, forgetting to do so wouldn't account for the return of the Emperor.  Heh.) 

Today was about being energized by being decisive (yes I'm going to change the headlight bulb on my car, no I'm not going to get that gorgeous journal that's on sale (bills are due), yes, I'm going to go to the grocery store on the way home instead of stopping for fast food.)  I also pushed through the next step of the Desire Mapping process even though it felt overwhelming and kind of made my head spin.

The Ace of Wands, meanwhile, is meant to indicate new projects and new ideas.  Kadollan and I talked, albeit briefly, about the idea of doing some kind of "planner summit" (by which we mean geeking out about our planners around her kitchen table with coffee and washi tape, and quite possibly cake) and what that might look like.

The thing to calm me down is the Queen of Wands, which made me think that the best way to stay steady today would be to just do the things I need to do rather than worrying about mulling over them first.  I think I did okay at that one, although along with dynamic action I got a solid dose of the "restless antsy" thing going on.  I think for quite a bit of the day I felt like I was around five or six years old and being told I had to do write-offs instead of going out to play.  

The Queen of Pentacles in the "Dregs" position, though, gave me fits trying to figure her out.  Ultimately, I decided that she was there in her "business woman" persona, and realized that the best and healthiest option for me this afternoon was to leave on time, make sure to get groceries on the way home, and let go of pushing myself past my limit just so that the paycheck would be a little bigger.

And in the end? The trick to keeping it all together, it still seems, is organization.

I'm working on that bit: 

The planning "system", deconstructed. Some days, when I'm stuck at my desk at work on the phone, taking my entire planning system apart and then putting it back together again is oddly soothing.

The other way that I've been coping at work this week?  I've started really utilizing my desk space as an altar and shrine.  I figure, I'm spending the lion's share of most weekdays there, and that's where I tend to be the most focused and productive, so why not?  I mean, I won't be burning incense or candles there in the middle of the office for everyone to see, but something like this goes unremarked upon: 

Why yes, fox is my primary animal energy, why do you ask?

See you tomorrow!

Intentionally Begin

2016's word is "Intention".

The year got off to a little bit of a rocky start thanks to a wicked head cold and the attendant effed-up sleep schedule it created, but I think after this weekend we're back on track and ready to roll.

So let me share with you how I intend for February to go. (Otherwise known as The Very Public Blog Post of this Month's Project Mary Sue Goals That I'm Hoping Will Guilt Me Into Help Me With Sticking to Them.*)

Goals:

• As everyone should know by now, February is for Finishing.  I have a solid goal of finishing at least four projects, with another two that for stretch goals.
• Reread (by which I mean "listen to during the above-mentioned knit-a-thon) Robin Hobb's Dragon Keeper and Dragon Haven for February's fiction books.
• Finish Linda Lafferty's House of Bathory (January's fiction pick)
• Rewatch and post recaps for the first half of season one of Blindspot
• Continue to work on Journal52 prompts each week
• Participate in the #Planwithmechallenge on Instagram (run by the awesome @boho.berry, @prettyprintsandpaper, and @tinyrayofsunshine)
• Read (listen to) Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic and Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map Experience (February's non-fiction picks)
• Various health and wellness goals (er... that's a separate post. Hold, please. ::hums Girl from Ipanema until she gets it uploaded so she can put a link here::)

My plan is to update how things are going each weekend.  Somebody hold me to that, 'kay?

*For those of you who are playing the home game, the rules of the Project Mary Sue Dance Party are pretty simple: be your own wishfulfillment character.  Or, to put it bluntly, imagine who you want to be, and do your best to become that person.  Because there's not a damn thing wrong with wish fulfillment.

Planning, Week

Sometime last month (about the time I found out about Traveler's Notebooks) I had a revelation.


If I made my own inserts, I could start the week any day I damn well wanted to.

A photo posted by Koren M. (@cybermathwitch) on Dec 13, 2015 at 2:30pm PST

This was followed quickly by the realization that part of my planning troubles were inextricably related to the combination of 80% of my chores, tasks, and creative projects happening on the weekends and the "established" systems either splitting the weekend right down the middle, or basically "back-loading" all my to-do list into the very end of the week.

It's no wonder I felt rushed, stressed, and ineffectual.

Okay, that sounds like a stretch, right?  How can the arrangement of boxes on a piece of paper cause all that?  The days are still happening at the same time, after all.

Well, yes, but.

Here's how things were typically going:

• Plan to plan on Saturday morning.  Attempt to do the weekly review/plan for the upcoming week (assuming a Sunday start) even though most of the personal creative projects and housework/errands I'd slated for the week I was finishing up hadn't been done yet, as they were on Saturday's to-do list.
• Make a to-do list for the day (Saturday) *and* next Saturday (subject to change), and try to make one on Sunday based on my best (hopeful) guess of what I'd get done still yet on Saturday afternoon.
• Realize there was a family dinner scheduled for the late afternoon/evening and have to move all of last week's tasks to Sunday anyway.
• Push Sunday's "next week's" tasks to the following Saturday.

-or-

• Plan to do the planning on Sunday morning (the start of the week, right?) - but get stressed out and anxious because I didn't get a solid picture of Sunday's to-do list until half the morning was already over.
• Get overwhelmed, inevitably focus on the wrong tasks, and let several necessary things slip through the cracks.
• And then have to go to the grocery store.

In either scenario, I also spent all week looking at a huge task list of things that I wasn't in a position to do anything about until the very end of the week, which went beyond frustrating right into demoralizing.

As I was making some daily pages to try out in my new planner, though, I had the sudden, light-bulb-choirs-of-angels-singing realization that, if I was designing the damn things anyway, I could start them whenever I wanted.  Further more, if I started on *Saturday*, then I'd get that 80% of my to-do list done and checked off before the work-week began.

Which made coming home and restricting myself to nothing but knitting, reading, or coloring before bed (because I am a. not good for much else after work, and b. will not go to bed at a reasonable hour if I get sucked into doing anything too analytical) feel less like I was putting things off or slacking or worthless and more like I was taking the well-deserved break it was actually supposed to be.

And the sooner I go to bed at night, the more likely I am to actually get up early enough in the morning to use the one or two precious hours of time when I'm still mentally on top of things to get some of my stuff done before I go to the Place That Pays Me So I Can Pay the Bills.

Genius.